“You should call your mom back…” “Yeah…” continues to type. “Call your mom back.” Sigh.

I had a bad manic night.  Bad bad…  And both the guys were in bed, so I tried to deal with it myself.  I’m doing better right now, but my brain is very exhausted.  I can feel it… like… it’s hard to keep all the pieces of my thinking together. I’ll probably write about it another day, when I can hold my thinking better. But I have to shout out my bestie, S…  She wasn’t here.  She doesn’t even know about this, but I imagined that she was here, in the kitchen with me.  Sir was upstairs and sick, so I guess I didn’t want to imagine him for some…

So… yeah…  It’s been shit around here.  I got sick.  Then SB got sick, then Sir got sick, then I got REsick, then Sir got SUPER sick, now I’m finally starting to feel better, SB is surviving through drugs, and Sir missed three days of work and is on antibiotics. Sigh. I just ate a shit ton of carbohydrates… like… 100… so.. yeah… fuck you ketosis… fuck you body… pretty much shitting all over you tonight. Actually I feel kind of bad about it now.  And not because it’s against the rules, like… authentically I feel bad for hurting my body.  That’s some kind of progress isn’t it?  Sir just…

I’ve had a very rough few days, and Sir pointed out that while accountability to my writing is important, working on my self-compassion is also important and that we can work on a balance of the two.  This weekend it felt like hostility to force myself to post and I was struggling with a lot of condemnation of myself for not living up to my expectations, but it felt incredibly helpful to give myself the time, consciously (not because I just let it slide off the bottom of the list) to take care of myself and not post. I did do some writing, just nothing for public consumption, and that…

I’m in one of those “I hate writing, I hate this blog, why did I ever decide to do this, how long do I have left until the end of a year” kind of moods.  I feel like… this is pointless, it’s stupid, it’s a waste of time, nobody cares, and I don’t know why I’m doing it. It’s been a rough week. And, of course…