Friendship
So this evening my BFF texted me (and I hopefully won’t share anything she doesn’t want shared…) Basically she just appreciated that I share on my blog but didn’t want to feel one-sided (sharing in our relationship) and shared some things in her life and thinking with me, and it was so… awesome…
And we just texted for a while, but it was such a cool conversation to me. Part of me wants to say it was so “real” but that isn’t it… our conversations are always real. But… somehow it was just a slightly different realm than we usually chat in. And I appreciate all our realms, I was just so happy and grateful to find yet another one for us to share in. And I realized that… maybe… in a way… I made that possible for us because of sharing here. And… sharing this place with her. Allowing her to have access to this part of myself, even if it’s kind of cheating cause I do it through a blog so I can be a coward and not actually bring up these things face to face for the first time. 🙂
I actually smiled for about an hour after our conversation, just because it was so cool to me. And it wasn’t particularly a happy conversation… or a particularly sad one either, just… life. But… I felt connected. And… I felt grateful.
When I invited her to my blog, I was terribly nervous! She’s my only real life friend who reads this who isn’t already in the BDSM/D/s/whatever fuckery this is world. I feel some kind of slight safety net with people who are in this world already that they might be horrified by something I say, but it won’t probably be something that is… just every day life for me. I still worry that vanilla world people will balk at some of the things I share about my relationship. Which is silly, that’s really saying that my vanilla friends are judgmental and can’t possibly understand things that they don’t experience themselves. Which, of course, I know is untrue. But yet, that fear remains, irrational and resistant to logic.
Also, it is even more terrifying for a face to face friend (I’ve heard people call it “meatspace” as opposed to “cyberspace” so as not to minimize the value of cyberspace friends. But “meatspace” chronically reminds me of “meatsuits” in Supernatural… And that’s kinda gross.) It feels even more, weirdly, vulnerable for someone who KNOWS me, who I have worked with, who I go out to eat with, whose family I know… for years… all those levels of intimacy to have access to… this level of intimacy. It is weirdly much more terrifying than the random strangers who read this blog who I know nothing about (although that’s a little disconcerting in another way…) knowing about my personal life.
But what I realized is… I’m glad that I let her in here. I’m glad that I share this… with her and the other friends and the random strangers… Because, I’m too much of a coward to broach these topics face to face. I just… can’t break through that barrier. And it leaves me feeling isolated and lonely and depressed.
But the internet allows me a kind of veil from behind which I can be (slightly) more brave. And I’m grateful, tonight, for that, because it means I am closer to my friends than I could be without it.
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