-
Awakening
Sir and I played today. Â It was an impromptu thing and ended up spreading across three rooms and a hallway before we ended up in bed (we don’t have sex, I mean literally ended up in bed – cuddling and aftercare). Â It was a kind of a wild, totally unplanned series of events, and Sir pushed some boundaries that I wasn’t totally sure about, but… it turned out weren’t terrible or scary like I assumed they would be, and ended up being kind of cool and fun… plus I totally feel more like a “real sub” now after my foray into the BDSM porn world. Â Not much more, but a…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Facelift!
You probably noticed already, but I changed the theme on my blog last night. Â I just got a wild hair and needed to update. Â I did try to change the color scheme to something less cheerful, but it froze and wouldn’t save, so… yellow it is. Â Sir says it’s good to have some things in my life that aren’t black or grey. Â I don’t have that much black or grey stuff! Anyway… Â There’s also a new feature at the bottom of each post – Reaction Emojis! Â Sorta like Facebook, I’m not sure why there’s not a “funny” emoji, but there’s some other ones. I’ve also been mad writing posts to…
-
Fog
It’s Friday night… it was a long week. It’s been a long summer. I’m tired. Literally. My brain is exhausted. Â Bipolar has been running wild and dancing naked with anxiety and my brain is wearing out… which is not a great thing. Â My sleep has been improving but it’s not perfect, and not enough to help my brain yet.
-
Post-anxiety Anxiety
Because anxiety is a spoiled asshole and isn’t satisfied with only appearing in anticipation of and participation in events, it must also throw itself into the aftermath of events. So… I rode the light rail today. Â It was very stressful, but mostly only in my mind, because in reality it was extremely easy, I had no problems, the things I anticipated being challenging… weren’t… the only issue I had was finding the right floor and room for my conference (stupid giant hotels with terrible signage). Â The conference was fine. Â Getting back home was fine, other than getting seasick (trainsick?) Everything was fine. Â I had plenty of time, everything was easy…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Adventure
Anxiety doesn’t believe in adventure. Â Adventure is not something that exists, because adventure requires not knowing what will happen next, doing something you’ve never done before… Â But with anxiety, that isn’t adventurous, it’s torture to be avoided at all costs. Tomorrow I have to ride the light rail to downtown (public transportation). Â I have ridden the light rail a grand total of twice in my life, and both were with S, and S is all competent and knows where to stand and which platform and how to get tickets and when to get off. Â I just had to follow along. Now, I have to do it alone. Â Tomorrow.
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Manic – Part 2 – Moments with Sir
For someone’s birthday… since she wants to know… and because I keep fading to black… Sigh. Happy birthday! This is the second half of Manic. *** The fog of dreams gives way to a replay of last night across the back of my eyelids. I groan and throw my arm across my eyes. It does nothing to stop the flood of memory and I pull my pillow over my face. Sir tugs it away and I cover my face with my hands. “What?” I can feel him shift in the bed beside me but I don’t move my hands. “Me!” He shifts again and I feel his fingers close around…
-
Bruised
I survived the night, as did our relationship. Â I probably should be old enough to know that it will, and not indulge myself in emotion and drama. Â But somehow, sometimes, things just… sometimes perspective fails and it’s just… universally terrible. I’m tired. Â Still. Â I feel beaten. Â Like I was in an emotional car wreck, and everything is bruised and sore inside of me. I had a good day with family. Â I came home and we had an okay evening…with my… with this family… Â My chosen family. Â I think we are all feeling bruised, though. Â All of us are kind of quiet and… introspective, I guess. Â It isn’t like we’re tiptoeing…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Drama
So… just because I literally have no one I can talk to right now… Let’s post on my blog (that angst and masochism came back even sooner than I expected, huh?) Living with two partners, in a triad, has a lot of advantages, like… almost always if two people are losing their shit, the third one is able to be some kind of buffer/voice of reason. Â Which is a really nice perk! Except when that third person loses their shit, too, and then it’s not just having twice the drama of one partner… it is having an exponential quantity more drama.
-
Out of Fucks
I’m tired. Â Really really really tired. I had planned a part 2 for my Manic post from yesterday… but… Â I have run out of fucks to give, so it’s not happening. I’m also so out of fucks that I am sitting in front of this blog just pissed off and don’t know why I committed to writing. Â Why I even want to write. Â Or what the purpose is for me of doing any of this. Nobody cares.
-
Manic – Moments with Sir
I slip out of the bed carefully, hoping not to wake Sir or Devin. In the dark I can’t see either of their faces, but I hear no change in breathing, no rustle of movement. I pad, barefoot, across the room. The fan above creaks, sending a steady current of cold air across my bare skin. The door opens silently and I close it again behind me. I grip both rails of the staircase, nervous in the blackness of missing a step and breaking my neck, still mindful of how I place each foot lest the house creak and the subtle shift of energy somehow, metaphysically, stir Sir from sleep.…