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Letting Go
Today was my first day of summer break. I worked on lesson plans. Â For next year. Â For six hours. I washed dishes and vacuumed. I read teaching books. Â For four hours. That’s my day. My entire day. Tonight depression got hold of me, and I think, maybe I was just running away from it coming all day because I knew that it would.
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Froggy-ness
I sometimes worry about the amount of energy Sir has to spend on me. Â Last night I had a panic attack… at 10 at night, when we were all trying to sleep. It’s probably because my asthma was terrible all day and I was pumped full of steroids and I had a lot of work to do today and… perfect storm for not sleeping. But really… he took me from bed and took me downstairs and pulled the futon onto the floor and laid us both on it and then he just did deep pressure on my body for literally two hours until I could almost, mostly sleep… then woke…
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Back posting
I KNOW, I missed a day. Â I have failed in my commitment. Â Sir says that is unreasonable thinking that leads to failure. Â I say it’s just logic… Â The world is a harsh place! He says post two tonight and call it good. I say, he lives in a very pleasant fantasy world that has no overlap with the reality in which I exist. And… I’ll just shut up and do what he says now… So, yesterday I fell asleep on the couch at 6:30 in the evening. Â Sir dragged me to bed around 10… then I had a panic attack and couldn’t go back to sleep and laid in bed…
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Friendship
So this evening my BFF texted me (and I hopefully won’t share anything she doesn’t want shared…) Basically she just appreciated that I share on my blog but didn’t want to feel one-sided (sharing in our relationship) and shared some things in her life and thinking with me, and it was so… awesome… And we just texted for a while, but it was such a cool conversation to me. Part of me wants to say it was so “real” but that isn’t it… our conversations are always real. But… somehow it was just a slightly different realm than we usually chat in. And I appreciate all our realms, I was…
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Paper Dolls
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Bodying
I’ve been able to eat more the last couple of days… like… soup… and a few pieces of meat. Â Which, really, isn’t a lot of food, but after four days of 1 teaspoon of unflavored gelatin… a day… this seems like feasting. My stomach isn’t perfect, but it’s definitely better. Â I’m still anxious about eating and still eat small amounts then wait to see if it’s going to hurt, then eat another small amount… I skipped lunch today because I was too afraid that I would eat and then be too sick to teach again like happened last week. But… you know… progress. Except I’ve lost 20 pounds now (not…
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Surviving
Sometimes I can do focused posts, like… you know… a real blog. Â Where I have a topic, and I write about that topic, and it’s all coherent and shit. Then there’s the end of the school year. Â And all I’ve got right now is survival. Turns out I have an ulcer. Â So… yeah. Â I’m naming it after six of my students. Sir has been having a hard week, and me being sick has been just a huge extra burden on him. Â He doesn’t say that and he doesn’t act that way, but I know… I know he’s been scared for me because of little things… Â I’ll probably write about them…
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Dribble Drabble Black Fire
It’s been a rough week. Â I feel too worn and raw to post about life today. Â But I have this stupid every day posting commitment that SOMEBODY thought was a good idea (Nice job ghost of Shadow past…), so I’m going to write a story snippet. I hate this. Â I hate sharing writing at all, and even more if it is unprepared writing, but I’m going to post raw writing (cringe) because… just… because… Somewhere in the next chapter of Black Fire…
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What ifs…
I haven’t eaten for three days. Â My mental processes may be compromised. I’ve had this pain on and off for a week or so, then so intense I can’t eat for the last three days. Â Call to the doctor got me, “Might be an ulcer, or pancreatitis, or just a stomach bug…” Â Helpful! Â Sir is insisting on a Kaiser visit tomorrow. I’ve just been trying to survive the week, but tonight, maybe because it’s a Friday, I went into fatalistic mode. Â Of course this happened. Â Of course I can’t actually do the diet that is my last chance to actually not die from this disease because for some reason my…
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Logic
Short one tonight, we’re having a rough evening in the household, here. Earlier tonight Sir said that my jeans are getting too big. Â I said, “No, I just haven’t washed them for a couple of days.” Both Sir and sub brother look at me like I’m strange. Â But seriously! Â Jeans are tighter after you wash them! Â I’m not strange! Sir says, “Jeans you have to wash every day to make them fit are too big…” Which is just ridiculous. Â Washing them every day is a perfectly valid solution, and totally isn’t going to end up costing more than just buying a new pair of jeans! And not eating frees up…
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