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Plans
K and J had to go home… I am on my own. My doctor thinks I will be okay as long as I start eating and sleeping. If I don’t my brain won’t be able to fight back from anything. I have to make a plan to make it all work for myself.
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God Fever
Just believe in God, Shadow. Who wouldn’t want to get right with the Almighty, Shadow? Everybody should believe in God, Shadow. God is perfect and love and light, Shadow.
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Documenting Madness
I don’t know if you can document your own madness… Isn’t it one of those… thought… exercises… I won’t delete anything here, I need to document my thinking… I can’t remember words. It’s been happening for a few weeks, it’s getting worse… I think I start saying something then I can’t think of the word, even really simple words like… I can’t think of a word I can’t think of… that would be…. um… I can’t think of the word for that… But I can’t tell you what the word is I can’t think of because I don’t know what it is because it is locked in my brain.Â
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Loss and Madness
In two days I lost two of my best friends. One is dead. One…is a place of confusion and pain in my head. He’s alive, but hurt, I know. I don’t know if we’ll ever speak again. I’m alive but hurt.
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Grief – Anaphora
Grief Grief Grief is shards of ice flaying my skin. Grief is a cold anchor tearing at my heart. Grief is a heavy shadow, curling round my spine. Grief is a keening shriek scraping on my ribs.
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There’s something wrong with me…
Ironically I think that there is plenty wrong with me, but I never see the one big wrong that it all adds up to… That I will jump so quickly for love. And not like some women (and men) who will fall for every flattery thrown their way, at least I can claim that much self-respect at this point in my life.
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Superstitions
I’m sad tonight. Not sad like a few nights ago, not sobbing sad, just quietly, tiredly sad. It’s starting to break all of us. Tonight I watched a grown man crumble, literally, his legs give out beneath him, fall to the ground on his knees and sob those wrenching sobs that steal your breath and make you wheeze. He is K’s partner. They have two children. They had talked about adopting a third.
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It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses. ~Colette
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Links and Sorrow
I’m struggling. Some days I think I have hope, I feel the light, I know things will hurt and I also know I will survive and I will live and eventually I will thrive again. Then I have days… like today… when I can’t seem to stop crying. I hurt. Everywhere. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt. I sit down to write and I cry because I hurt and I don’t want to write and fail and be imperfect because that’s all I can ever do. So I sit and I cry on my journal and watch the ink run.
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Quote of the Day – August 17, 2012
Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself. ~ Walter Anderson