-
Crash
I was doing better mood-wise for a couple of weeks. I was in that sweet spot where I seemed to have enough energy and enough motivation to get things done every day. I was making a to-do list and doing most of it. I was being gentle with myself on the things I didn’t accomplish. All of my therapists thought I was doing so well and really on the “road to recovery.” But there was a little niggling thought at the back of my head that reminded me that this was probably a false positive. This probably wouldn’t last. Then, for the past several days, my energy has become more…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Into the Wood Chipper
Note: This went dark fast, so… content warning? It gets graphic and ugly. Also, I do understand that there is a difference between being assaulted by someone with bad intentions and being assaulted by someone with good intentions… I just don’t care. Everyone seems to feel that it is extremely relevant to consider the intentions… but as I used to tell Michael. If you run over me with your car, whether you meant to do it or not has shit all effect on my broken arm. It’s Monday. It’s trauma therapy night. For the past two days I settled into a place of absolute emotional nothingness. Not depression, as I’ve…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Sleepless
I didn’t post yesterday. I never went to bed. I stayed up for over 36 hours, and finally Sir forcibly drugged me to get me to go to sleep. He is blaming our dynamic. I’m too tired to argue with him, but I don’t agree. Punishment had me getting in bed by midnight or earlier, and it was improving every day. Two days with family, and joining a BDSM group on Facebook sent me into a literal death spiral. Family is draining, but I think the real culprit is the FB group. I was in it for just over 24 hours, and in that time became severely depressed, confronted several…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Life and Pain
I’ve been struggling super hard. I feel like a failure all the time at everything. Sir has me on a new plan, as he and SB are at work, and I’m off for the summer. We’re using an app called Ike, rather than a traditional to-do list. It has, basically, urgent items, important items, “fit it in if you can” items and “back burner” items. Each evening he goes over it with me and we set my goals for the next day. Every day, “write” is on the “important” list. I’ve just about gotten ready to give up and put it on the back burner list. Or just delete it…
-
Third Try…
Sir wants me to try this again. It’s evening now. I talked to my best friend, S, for a long time this morning and it helped for a while. But, ultimately, what’s wrong with me can’t be talked through or reasoned through or… anythinged through. I am perfectly aware that my feelings are irrational, illogical, not based in reality… at least not in the reality anyone else around me experiences. In spite of that knowledge, they have complete power over me. And I’m tired of feeling like a failure for not being able to reason my way out of them. I feel like I’m under assault, under attack, in a…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Broken
I took down Sub Brother, and Sir is teetering. I’m not allowed to talk about it in those terms, but… it’s true. My issues over the last six months have put a significant strain on the household. I’ve had many many days and nights of screaming flashbacks, sometimes lasting hours, or coming in clusters and waves, one after the other. I’ve had night when I had to lock myself in the bathroom to take my medication because I was too afraid to take it and fall asleep with the guys in the house because in my mind I believed they would rape me when I was helpless. (THIS IS NOT…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Family
Someone asked how I identify with the guys in my life… so… I don’t really know. But I guess I consider Sir and SB my family.  Sort of.  I still am not totally sure  but for now that seems like an okay definition.  We’re a coalition of some sort.  K and J are friends.  I was asked if they are like extended family and I suppose they could be.  I think I have them in the friend category, but definitely the most intimate friends I have, or any of us have, I think… They witness and participate in our lives in ways that nobody else does, which… definitely requires and…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Ease
Today is better. Â Sir stepped things up today and it helped. The dishes are done and put away. Â The laundry is done and put away. Â The kitchen is clean. Â The house is swept. Â The fridge has food in it for the week. Â I finished all of my school work that I needed done for tomorrow. Â I’m writing my blog post and it’s not even 8. I still don’t feel totally connected to my submission. Â And, even better, I think Sub Brother is struggling with his right now, too. Â He didn’t say it, but I heard him sigh when Sir told him to do something today, and… he NEVER does that!…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Output
I’m having a less than easy night. Â It’s not terrible – certainly not by the bar set by multiple nights this summer – but not… great. I think it’s depression, or at least the leading edge of a depression front. Sir thinks that possibly my feeling is akin to burnout (and potentially that’s enough to tip my bipolar back towards depression) because I’ve been… outputting intensely for several days and likely not getting enough inputting.
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Tired
It’s 6:30… Â I was doing okay at 6. Â Now I can barely move my limbs. Â It’s too hard to type.
You May Also Like
Broken Toys