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A Shadow Life
So… I talk about it often but never do it. I probably should try NOT talking about it and ACTUALLY doing it… but… baby steps. I’m going to try to write more. Like… Every day. For a year. I don’t know why I decided to do this. It did lead to an interesting conversation with Sir and sub brother. They pointed out that a year seemed really ambitious and why didn’t I try writing every day for a week first… then I could extend my goals. But I felt that a whole week seemed way too overwhelming to commit to!
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Broken Toys
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Settling
Last night was, obviously, rough, but I talked to several good friends today and it felt so good to just… to reach out… and meet outstretched hands in return. Â It is still alien to me to share my feelings, to accept compassion, to… talk about… my real self. Â But it was positive and healing, and for those people and others who are probably wondering, I thought I would update today. Â Also, I’m trying to challenge myself to write every day. Â Writing a journal/blog post isn’t exactly my ideal of “writing every day” but I suppose when my baseline is “writing never” I will have to accept that any bar at…
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Living and Dying
It’s been, I just realized, 4 months plus since I last posted. Â I don’t even want to talk about it because it feels pointless to say anything else about it. In August I got a diagnosis for what has been going on with me for years. Â There were all these, “This is hopeful! Â Now we know what it is and we can fight it!” speeches. Â But I’ve heard those speeches too many times and I tried hard not to invest any hope in this new round. I wasn’t completely successful.
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Broken Toys
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Perspectives
I had a rough day yesterday. I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body. Last night I was punished for those choices. This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished. Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship. And isn’t that just sad?
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Midsummer Night’s Mania
It’s July, I made it past the solstice, which is good, the ramping up/more sunlight every day thing is murder for my brain. Â But summer is still hard. Â There isn’t enough structure, even when I and the people around me work to create structure, it’s summer. Â I NEED some unstructured time or I will burn out and not be able to teach in August. Â But I also… don’t function well with unstructured time. Â And even the kind of structure I can create when I’m not working, (making plans, meals out, museum/zoo trips, social gatherings, daily chores, etc.) isn’t as strong as having a work schedule. Â So… Â I struggle. I’ve been…
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Broken Toys
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Perspectives
I finished another school year. Â Thank god! Â It was a better year than last year. Â And my transition (I am famously terrible at transitions) has not been terrible. Â I glitched slightly today, but Sir made me stand in the corner (“meditate”) which is his new thing, not as punishment, just as sensory deprivation and forcing me to do some kind of meditation practice. Â
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Fighting Mania
I’ve been seated (by zombies) firmly in front of the computer. Â Sir was not as amused by my crazy inflatable arm man impression as he might have been. Â Possibly because I smacked my hand really hard on the wall and… kept doing it. It’s spring. Â Yes, despite the three fucking feet of snow outside right now, it’s spring. Â Spring means that the amount of sunlight each day is increasing. Â Increasing sunlight is my brain’s signal to GO MANIC! Â WOOOHOO!! Â Seriously, my doctor told me this every year… “The highest number of hospitalizations for bipolar are always in the spring.”
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Broken Toys
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Hacked!
So… Â my WordPress account was hacked and infected with malware. Â This led to it being shut down until I could correct the problem. Â I received the notification about a month ago and didn’t do anything about it (Sir says we’ll be discussing that later…) but I figured it wasn’t as if anybody was going to notice anyway. Â And I couldn’t really get up the enthusiasm to deal with it.
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Differences
This is an exploration of some of the events in my previous post – Punishment. If you haven’t read it, be aware that this may reference disturbing concepts or events, please read at your own comfort level.
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End of an Era
I realize it’s been over a year since I posted here. Â I’ve been busy. Â I have a new job, though it’s now a year old. Â Today was the last day of the year, it’s summer break. I’m having a rough night from the drop… and from anxiety. Â But it’s happy anxiety in some ways. Â I trusted someone I work with. Â I’ve trusted him all year, he’s been kind and compassionate, fun, and always felt safe. Â Safe in the ways that… are intangible but so necessary to someone like me. Â He’s always felt safe. Â I doubt he knows or would understand if I told him, what that means or what it…