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Decisions
I haven’t been sleeping well. Â For a while. Â Probably why I got sick… and now… mania… It’s been coming on for a couple days now that I look back at it. Â And the drugs for the asthma… trigger me… and not sleeping… and beginning work… and so much… stimulation. Today I had to work on the computer and I forgot to wear my blue light lenses and I can’t type fast enough right now to keep up with myself, I keep messing up my typing and I type really fast anyway, I just… running a little faster than my fingers can move right now… I got my blue light glasses…
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My Anxiety
I’m tired. Â I’m tired of being sick. Â I’m tired of drugs and tests and needles and worrying. I’m tired of… people… believing my front. I’m tired of people trying to talk to me, plan with me, make arrangements, involve me in things… as if they think I have the capacity to even discuss anything right now. Â But they do think that. Â Because they don’t see me curled in a ball. Â They see me handling my shit… so why shouldn’t I handle more shit?
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Shit Getting Real
I had an appointment with my doctors, both of them together, ’cause that’s just how awesome I am. Â My male doctor was actually really nice today… he was kind, supportive, respectful, went out of his way to tell me how hard I’ve been working and how I deserve to get well and that none of this is my fault… He just got back from vacation. Maybe he needs to take more of them. In less awesome news… Â I’m… It was not a good news appointment. The only good news is that there is a positive result on my staph colony test. Â Which means I have a new staph colony. Â It’s…
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Slider
I had a rough patch for a few days. Â Therapy went hard and I went into a spiral and for some reason (I’m sure therapy could explain it) I became almost intolerably self-critical for several days. And I know it’s easy for people to scold or dismiss my self-criticism. Â It’s easy to say, “You’re too hard on yourself,” or “Why are you being so mean?” or “Don’t do that…” The thing is, it’s a disease. And I think even I forget that too often. This week, when this hit me, I had an episode when I was putting on clothes (my ordinary clothes that I wear all the time) and…
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Have you tried…? Rantiness
I didn’t know what I was going to write about tonight. Â I’m really exhausted. Â The dysphoric state passed and today was… Â functional. Â Not terrible. Â I didn’t have a lot of energy, but I got a few things done and didn’t feel utterly miserable the whole day. Â So… win? Â But my brain is literally exhausted and creativity is a non-starter tonight. Then I just checked Facebook while I was sitting here not writing and a friend, who is a very lovely and well-intentioned person, said something that pisses me off. Â And I KNOW I’ve done it to other friends, so I really shouldn’t be pissed off… it’s almost a natural response,…
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The Edge
My fingers move over the keys, not typing, just moving because… I have to move. My legs are twitching, my eyes are too wide, I can feel it but I can’t stop. The depression has been ice in my veins, lead shot in my limbs, defeat, sloth. But now it has been enervated like Frankenstein’s monster, a lightning storm in my brain that gave it a hideous semblance of life. Now it is restless movement, snapping temper, too much light, too much sound… too much… too much… touch… get my fucking clothes off of me NOW!
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Bodying
I’ve been able to eat more the last couple of days… like… soup… and a few pieces of meat. Â Which, really, isn’t a lot of food, but after four days of 1 teaspoon of unflavored gelatin… a day… this seems like feasting. My stomach isn’t perfect, but it’s definitely better. Â I’m still anxious about eating and still eat small amounts then wait to see if it’s going to hurt, then eat another small amount… I skipped lunch today because I was too afraid that I would eat and then be too sick to teach again like happened last week. But… you know… progress. Except I’ve lost 20 pounds now (not…
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Starvation
Well, my food consumption for the day: Breakfast – 1 tablespoon of herbal tea gelatin, unsweetened Lunch – 3 tablespoons of coconut milk yogurt, unsweetened Dinner – 2 tablespoons of herbal tea gelatin, unsweetened, 1/2 cup of chicken bone broth My stomach isn’t trying to kill me anymore. It’s still tender and gets mad when I eat more than 2 tablespoons of anything. Â (Lunch was a problem.) My eating disorder is having a field day… Â If I keep up eating like this, I’ll lose TONS of weight! And then I’ll die. Sigh.
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Comfort Food
I’ve been having trouble with my stomach recently. Â Mostly it’s right after breakfast, I get pain in my stomach that gets pretty bad, but it usually goes away in 30 minutes to an hour. Â Then today it happened during lunch. Â I didn’t finish eating. Â Then it just got worse and worse and freaked out my students AND my co-worker who just texted to check on me and said I went completely pale and she thought I was going to pass out in front of the class. Â (I didn’t realize that part, I just thought I’d pass out from pain.) Sir was thinking it was a problem adjusting to the higher…
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Sickerness
So walking pneumonia rapidly became ambulance ride and tubes in my arms pneumonia.  Terrific.  And it wasn’t my fault!  I took the antibiotics and rested and drank fluids!  I didn’t bring it on!  The ER said that pneumonia is just like that…