-
Maintenance
In our conversation I told C that Sir is starting maintenance. He’s planning a week, we’ll see if things are stable by next Wednesday. C was unfamiliar with the term, and logically associated it with a car. Which, surprisingly, surprised me into laughter. I’m not sure why that association hadn’t already been at the front of my mind. Why I hadn’t anticipated that confusion and made a different choice than use the term without explanation. Another moment of failed awareness in conversation. I’m doing a hell of a job this week. Maintenance spanking is a thing in some BDSM circles. It’s hotly debated in others. Derided in still others. Doing…
-
Gratitude – Moments with Sir
Sir sometimes gives me an assignment before putting me into a corner, something to think about, which requires an answer when I’m released. Often it is something like, “What success did you have today?” or “What are you grateful for?” and I have to have a satisfactory (to Sir) response when the timer goes off or the entire process starts over (hell no!) The other night after maintenance AND punishment for being late to bed, Sir sent me with a gratitude assignment. When he released me the first thing that came out of my mouth (which I had thought of but hadn’t intended to SAY, thanks so much ADHD) was,…
-
Embarrassed and Ashamed
There are things I don’t write much about, even here. At lunch today, Sir asked me about one of them. I told him it was because I’m embarrassed and he asked if I’m embarrassed or if I’m ashamed. I’m not sure I completely know the difference… which is embarrassing (I think). So he gave me homework to look up both words and see what I can come up with as definitions, then write about it and the topic he asked me about at lunch (sigh). I think the most useful defining feature I found in my Googling was this – shame is the feeling that you’re doing something wrong or…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Deal – Moments with Sir
“In the bedroom at 9:45.” “But…” I make a hollow noise with my throat and glare at the ceiling in frustration. Sir walks away. The clock reads 9:32. I sit silently for a moment, contemplating defiance as if my pain is currency. 50 extra swats would buy me half an hour… It’s vice versa but, I don’t think of it that way. I’m already on maintenance so that will be happening regardless. I took an extra 100 last night for my hour of indulgence. That was rough, but I made it. Of course it cost me my computer, too. As I sit on the couch in the living room, disinterested…
-
Separation – Moments with Sir
Sir settles onto the couch beside me. He doesn’t look at me right away, but he puts his hand on my leg, a warm pressure. He doesn’t look at the TV, either. His mind seems focused on other things. I can’t name a specific reason I think this, but I am sure of it as he settles beside me, and lays his hand on my leg. The Walking Dead is on the TV. Screams, gunshots, and rasping groans fight to win my attention, but they were already weak contenders, and Sir’s presence easily overpowers them. I wait a breath, feeling my belly tighten. My doctor just talked to me yesterday…
-
Accidents Happen – SSC vs. RACK
We had a little accident last night. Considering I’ve been doing this thing with Sir for almost ten years, long before he was officially Sir, I think that’s a damn good track record! And we didn’t even have to go to the emergency room, unlike a certain Navy Seal who shall remain nameless. Ahem. It was my fault. It was really a freak set of circumstances, but, I was the reason I got hurt. Sir was using the wooden spoon. I got a cramp in my foot and dropped my knee literally mid stroke, which meant that instead of the broad side of the spoon, I got hit with the…
-
Life and Pain
I’ve been struggling super hard. I feel like a failure all the time at everything. Sir has me on a new plan, as he and SB are at work, and I’m off for the summer. We’re using an app called Ike, rather than a traditional to-do list. It has, basically, urgent items, important items, “fit it in if you can” items and “back burner” items. Each evening he goes over it with me and we set my goals for the next day. Every day, “write” is on the “important” list. I’ve just about gotten ready to give up and put it on the back burner list. Or just delete it…
-
Against the Walls – Moments with Sir
Sir and Sub Brother have been home for a few days. It’s been nice to have them back. But it is also lonely because it feels as if my issues are walls that keep us all separated from each other. Tonight, I took my meds early, took several deep breaths, and then asked Sir to play. I expected him to say, “no.” He’s relaxed the “no touching” rule since they’ve come back, but… play is a whole other level of… potential landmines. Instead he asked me to sit and had me explain my feelings and thinking to him. I squirmed and stammered and blushed a lot. It was uncomfortable to…
-
Facing Fears
A while back, I had an article published on a friend’s professional blog. It was popular, apparently. He told me a month or so ago that it was the top three for that month. Now it is in the hall of fame, or something like that. So people will continue to see it. Forever. This is good. This should be good. I’m a real writer. Right? But then I feel like this should be a good blog. A real blog. Not bullshit anymore. I should actually write real articles and edit them and be focused and have a topic for each post and well constructed… But I started writing this…
-
Shut Up, Brain!
Sir smacked my butt tonight because I said something stupid in the kitchen (stupid along the lines of – “Oh, maybe it’s okay to eat these almonds that are coated with eggs, ’cause, maybe I’m not allergic to eggs anymore… I’ll just try a couple or five handfuls and see…”) Because I’ve been losing weight again, my jeans are getting baggy (and I JUST bought them a month ago! Fuck!) and they’re pretty thick so the swat didn’t have the effect I’m sure he intended. And because I’m doing just awesome with my bipolar right now and have no filter on my brain, I totally started to say, “That didn’t…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys