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Peace…
I survived the first day of school, and it was actually awesome. Â I think part of that is a more stable group of kids, though I already have one that I know has a horrific home life happening and I’ll need to really build some relationship with her. Â But I feel like we had a great day, we did learning, we had a debate, we learned expectations and actually followed them. Â I had kids problem solve for themselves at recess (after I set the expectations). Â I had kids respectfully discuss different views of a topic, and at the end of the day when I let kids share their learning for…
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First Day
Tomorrow is the first day of school. I have so many expectations for myself…  I was going to write an SFD tonight, I was going to write something decent instead of just journalling everything…  I was going to… make dinner, do dishes, vacuum the house… My classroom is ready. I’m… mostly ready.  I will be ready by the end of my planning period tomorrow, which, lucky for me, is first period. But nothing else got done this evening. I’m so sorry to my multiple friends going through shit right now, I wish I had more to give you. I wish I had more… everything. But I’m going to bed at 8:30.…
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My Anxiety
I’m tired. Â I’m tired of being sick. Â I’m tired of drugs and tests and needles and worrying. I’m tired of… people… believing my front. I’m tired of people trying to talk to me, plan with me, make arrangements, involve me in things… as if they think I have the capacity to even discuss anything right now. Â But they do think that. Â Because they don’t see me curled in a ball. Â They see me handling my shit… so why shouldn’t I handle more shit?
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Shit Getting Real
I had an appointment with my doctors, both of them together, ’cause that’s just how awesome I am. Â My male doctor was actually really nice today… he was kind, supportive, respectful, went out of his way to tell me how hard I’ve been working and how I deserve to get well and that none of this is my fault… He just got back from vacation. Maybe he needs to take more of them. In less awesome news… Â I’m… It was not a good news appointment. The only good news is that there is a positive result on my staph colony test. Â Which means I have a new staph colony. Â It’s…
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Memories
This month is the five year anniversary of T’s death. Â He attempted this week, five years ago. Â He died five years ago at the end of the month. Â Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been five years already. Â Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been only five years. I spent most of this weekend deeply depressed. I’ve been crying a lot. Sir has been crying.
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Late Night
We just got home. Â I’m cold and wet (we got rained on) and tired. Â Sir says I can go to bed, so this is just a body check so no one worries. Â More tomorrow.
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Bad Week
It’s Friday night. Â Sir came home a little while ago with K and J. Â I got sent upstairs to do my blog. Â I’m irritated about that. Â And I’m irritated at the power dynamic in the house right now. Â I’m trying to tell myself that I’m projecting because I’m pissed off about a power dynamic at work. Â But I’m STILL pissed off at home, projection or no! And I’m pissed at K, which isn’t good. Â He and I can push each other’s buttons and… hey… I just realized I’m the only one besides his daughter that can really push his buttons. Â I’m not sure if that’s anything to be proud of.…
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Service
There is an aspect of the BDSM D/s world called “service.” Â This, like everything else, means different things to different people. Â In general it usually refers to a dynamic or aspect of a dynamic in which the submissive does a type of service for the dominant… like… housekeeping, cooking meals, bringing drinks and rubbing feet, even serving tea in a very formal tea service. So, service… can mean a lot of things. Â And some subs and doms don’t prefer or engage in any service activities. Â Or some submissives follow orders to do domestic chores but don’t identify it as “service”. Â But really, it doesn’t matter to me what other people…
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Rubber… Meet Road…
I’ve been back at work the last two days, even though I’m not contracted until tomorrow. Â I rearranged my classroom (again). It seems to be a yearly process. Â I keep hoping that someday I’m going to figure it out and stop needing to change things every year. That may never happen. This year was complicated by the district adopting a new curriculum so that meant boxing up and storing all the old stuff and sorting and prepping all the new stuff. But I’m getting better at throwing things away. Â Slowly. Â I’m hoping that someday this will become perfected in all areas of my life and I will be as minimalist…
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Weary
Sir is going to meet with K on Friday night. Â He’s going to get beaten. Â It’s a thing they do, and… I’ve made peace with it in the past, but this time it’s upsetting me. Â Sir and I have talked this through and he wants me to write about it now. I talked to Sub Brother last night about it, too. Â And with my therapist today. Â And with Sir tonight. Â Here’s what I’m clear about… Â I don’t want Sir to not go through with it. Â I do want to solve my own problem with this so I can be okay with it.
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