Personal Journal
-
My Anxiety
I’m tired. Â I’m tired of being sick. Â I’m tired of drugs and tests and needles and worrying. I’m tired of… people… believing my front. I’m tired of people trying to talk to me, plan with me, make arrangements, involve me in things… as if they think I have the capacity to even discuss anything right now. Â But they do think that. Â Because they don’t see me curled in a ball. Â They see me handling my shit… so why shouldn’t I handle more shit?
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Shit Getting Real
I had an appointment with my doctors, both of them together, ’cause that’s just how awesome I am. Â My male doctor was actually really nice today… he was kind, supportive, respectful, went out of his way to tell me how hard I’ve been working and how I deserve to get well and that none of this is my fault… He just got back from vacation. Maybe he needs to take more of them. In less awesome news… Â I’m… It was not a good news appointment. The only good news is that there is a positive result on my staph colony test. Â Which means I have a new staph colony. Â It’s…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Memories
This month is the five year anniversary of T’s death. Â He attempted this week, five years ago. Â He died five years ago at the end of the month. Â Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been five years already. Â Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been only five years. I spent most of this weekend deeply depressed. I’ve been crying a lot. Sir has been crying.
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Late Night
We just got home. Â I’m cold and wet (we got rained on) and tired. Â Sir says I can go to bed, so this is just a body check so no one worries. Â More tomorrow.
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Service
There is an aspect of the BDSM D/s world called “service.” Â This, like everything else, means different things to different people. Â In general it usually refers to a dynamic or aspect of a dynamic in which the submissive does a type of service for the dominant… like… housekeeping, cooking meals, bringing drinks and rubbing feet, even serving tea in a very formal tea service. So, service… can mean a lot of things. Â And some subs and doms don’t prefer or engage in any service activities. Â Or some submissives follow orders to do domestic chores but don’t identify it as “service”. Â But really, it doesn’t matter to me what other people…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Rubber… Meet Road…
I’ve been back at work the last two days, even though I’m not contracted until tomorrow. Â I rearranged my classroom (again). It seems to be a yearly process. Â I keep hoping that someday I’m going to figure it out and stop needing to change things every year. That may never happen. This year was complicated by the district adopting a new curriculum so that meant boxing up and storing all the old stuff and sorting and prepping all the new stuff. But I’m getting better at throwing things away. Â Slowly. Â I’m hoping that someday this will become perfected in all areas of my life and I will be as minimalist…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Weary
Sir is going to meet with K on Friday night. Â He’s going to get beaten. Â It’s a thing they do, and… I’ve made peace with it in the past, but this time it’s upsetting me. Â Sir and I have talked this through and he wants me to write about it now. I talked to Sub Brother last night about it, too. Â And with my therapist today. Â And with Sir tonight. Â Here’s what I’m clear about… Â I don’t want Sir to not go through with it. Â I do want to solve my own problem with this so I can be okay with it.
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Conflict
Sir and I have been having arguments. Â Which… sucks. Â We don’t usually have arguments. Â Or they are at least very one-sided if we do. Â I argue. Â He says no. Â I argue. Â He gets all dominant and makes my life miserable and I give up on arguing… Â eventually. Â He rarely argues BACK. But we’ve been having some arguments the last couple of days and… Â I’ve been thinking about why that is happening and I think that our D/s relationship isn’t as solid in this arena and I think that Sir is struggling and… probably I’m not sure where I want it to be either, with knowing where our relationship is defined…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Secrets
I slept better last night. Â A little. Â Weird dreams, but I managed to sleep until 10, so… little better. Sir and sub brother have been home (they went away on their own trip) for a couple days now. Â But something has been bothering Sir. Â He hasn’t said that, I just know. The thing is, he doesn’t talk about it. Â He won’t talk about it. Â So my best guess is that it is work related because… that’s really the only thing he doesn’t talk about. Â Ever. And I… Â feel strange about my feelings about that.
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Sleepy
It’s only 7:45. Â I’ve been falling asleep since 5. Â I can’t even… Â I’m giving up. Â 8 o’clock bedtime it is.
You May Also Like
Broken Toys