• Candy Bar Wisdom

    September 7, 2012 / 0 Comments

    K just came in a few minutes ago.  J dropped him off, is doing some shopping, then they’re headed to the mountains for the weekend.  They invited me but I really need to do homework. So he walks in and I am at my computer, where I’ve been sitting since 5 this morning…  Really, haven’t stood up (or hadn’t when he walked in) since 5 this morning.  He takes one look at me and says out loud with quite child-like glee while clapping his hands together (he’s got a silly streak like that) “JAMMIES!” 

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  • Scent of Memories

    September 7, 2012 / 0 Comments

    I can still smell him.  It will hit me every so often, I’ll step into a room, or just turn in my chair, and I’ll smell him… his soap, his clothes, his shampoo… all of it that made him, uniquely him.  D shaves more regularly so he always smelled of his aftershave…  T smelled of his soap, I can’t describe it.  There’s still some of it in the upstairs bathroom, but I can’t bring myself to go in there…

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  • Euthanasia

    September 6, 2012 / 9 Comments

    Some times that decision is easier than others.  Some times you can look at a situation and it rips your heart out of your chest but you know there is, absolutely, without a doubt, no other course of action but to end it all…  Other times… there is doubt.  Those are the bitch of a times.

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  • Depression

    September 6, 2012 / 0 Comments

    Apparently this blog has become therapy for me.  Sorry to anyone who actually hoped I would write anything actually literary… I’m sad again. Well I’ve been sad, it never goes away, but tonight hope is fading again.  I can feel the depression coming, which is different from sadness.  It is.  Just…trust a lifetime’s intimate relationship with depression…it is a different flavor than sadness.

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  • Finding myself again

    September 5, 2012 / 0 Comments

    I cried in therapy today.  Only a little.  I didn’t think I could…  I have this fear that if I let the pain too close it will break through the dam and it will be a tsunami of destruction, that I will never be able to pull it back again.  But I let it out a little, portioned it, by teaspoons, and somehow I was able to pull it back again, even though a couple of times I felt it swelling up against the dam.

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