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Relationships
I think I’ve come up with at least a partial solution so my privacy issues. I’ll write what I want to write, but certain posts which pass my threshold for TMI for faceless masses will be set to password protected. I’ll send the password to the people with whom I’m personal friends. That will allow me to control the voyeurism feelings I get and I can determine my own level of comfort with who gets how deep into my personal life. Don’t worry, my boundaries are pretty open. But this allows me the comfort I need to hopefully be sustainable in using my blog in a way that works for…
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Broken Toys
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Ease
Today is better. Â Sir stepped things up today and it helped. The dishes are done and put away. Â The laundry is done and put away. Â The kitchen is clean. Â The house is swept. Â The fridge has food in it for the week. Â I finished all of my school work that I needed done for tomorrow. Â I’m writing my blog post and it’s not even 8. I still don’t feel totally connected to my submission. Â And, even better, I think Sub Brother is struggling with his right now, too. Â He didn’t say it, but I heard him sigh when Sir told him to do something today, and… he NEVER does that!…
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Broken Toys
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Bad Week
It’s Friday night. Â Sir came home a little while ago with K and J. Â I got sent upstairs to do my blog. Â I’m irritated about that. Â And I’m irritated at the power dynamic in the house right now. Â I’m trying to tell myself that I’m projecting because I’m pissed off about a power dynamic at work. Â But I’m STILL pissed off at home, projection or no! And I’m pissed at K, which isn’t good. Â He and I can push each other’s buttons and… hey… I just realized I’m the only one besides his daughter that can really push his buttons. Â I’m not sure if that’s anything to be proud of.…
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Out of Place
Depression is trying to grab hold of me again today, so I’m fighting it… with all the energy that hasn’t already been sucked into depression. So… mostly I’m sitting here resisting curling up in front of the TV. Hooah! I had a pretty busy week for a summer week when I’m not working, and I think that was good for me in some ways, but it also meant I did a lot less writing than I wanted to, and that I am dragging hard today, so, you know, trying to slither out of writing today, too. So I’m fighting that urge, too.
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Bruised
I survived the night, as did our relationship. Â I probably should be old enough to know that it will, and not indulge myself in emotion and drama. Â But somehow, sometimes, things just… sometimes perspective fails and it’s just… universally terrible. I’m tired. Â Still. Â I feel beaten. Â Like I was in an emotional car wreck, and everything is bruised and sore inside of me. I had a good day with family. Â I came home and we had an okay evening…with my… with this family… Â My chosen family. Â I think we are all feeling bruised, though. Â All of us are kind of quiet and… introspective, I guess. Â It isn’t like we’re tiptoeing…
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Broken Toys
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Shitty First Drafts – #1
I had a dream last night. About her. I haven’t seen her in 10 years? 12? We haven’t spoken in 5… and that was just an out of the blue phone call.
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Moments with Sir…and Sub Brother
It’s been pointed out to me by someone recently that I rarely talk about sub brother, while I talk about Sir a lot. And I’ve been thinking about my response to that, and thought about making in a blog post. So during dinner I brought it up to sub brother and asked him if he would feel uncomfortable if I wrote about him on my blog. He gives me a wide-eyed look and asks, “Me? Why do you want to write about me?” “Because, you’re important to me, you’re my partner and my friend and… I write about Sir all the time, but I hardly say anything about you.” “Well,…
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Froggy-ness
I sometimes worry about the amount of energy Sir has to spend on me. Â Last night I had a panic attack… at 10 at night, when we were all trying to sleep. It’s probably because my asthma was terrible all day and I was pumped full of steroids and I had a lot of work to do today and… perfect storm for not sleeping. But really… he took me from bed and took me downstairs and pulled the futon onto the floor and laid us both on it and then he just did deep pressure on my body for literally two hours until I could almost, mostly sleep… then woke…
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Broken Toys
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Ordinary Evening
So, two nights ago I wrote a technical manual about my relationship and the ways in which it is probably wildly different from the majority of people in relationships. Â And I’ll write more about those specific differences in more detail in future posts. Â But, tonight, I was thinking that despite the underlying framework of our relationship being so different, and the times when it manifests, we obviously look very different from vanilla relationships, it isn’t something that is just constantly manifesting. Â We are really, on a daily basis, probably not very obviously different from anyone else. So, to demonstrate, our evening tonight, which was quite an average weeknight for us.…
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This Thing We Do – Shadow 101
Someone asked recently for me to write more about how my particular relationship works. Â Then I was talking to my therapist today about my relationship, and I got into a conversation about the… plane of intensity that my relationship occupies in terms of some general categorizing of BDSM or D/s relationship types – granting that human experience is infinitely diverse and cannot, actually, in any way accurately be categorized. So… Â since it’s all relevant in my mind tonight, Â here’s a top of my head FYI. I tend to categorize in my own head a difference between BDSM and D/s – not everyone differentiates the same way I do, but I…