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Broken
I took down Sub Brother, and Sir is teetering. I’m not allowed to talk about it in those terms, but… it’s true. My issues over the last six months have put a significant strain on the household. I’ve had many many days and nights of screaming flashbacks, sometimes lasting hours, or coming in clusters and waves, one after the other. I’ve had night when I had to lock myself in the bathroom to take my medication because I was too afraid to take it and fall asleep with the guys in the house because in my mind I believed they would rape me when I was helpless. (THIS IS NOT…
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Broken Toys
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Grateful
Sir and Sub Brother had their date night tonight (eventually I’ll write about our date night system… We basically have a set up so everyone gets one-on -one time with everyone else a couple times a month.) I was supposed to wash my laundry and feed myself while they were gone (for four hours, so it wasn’t really that big a challenge). I didn’t. OMG, you totally didn’t see that coming, did you??? It’s like… Shadow was supposed to do chores. PLOT TWIST! She didn’t get them done! Ammirite? So… They get back about an hour ago and I have… not done laundry… haven’t eaten… and am starting to blood…
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Broken Toys
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Being Sir
While I acknowledge that a triad relationship is innately very difficult (even more than normal relationships, which are hella, stupid hard), I sometimes think Sir has it the hardest. I’m sure the grass is always… harder…? on the other side, but…
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Broken Toys
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Need (Moments with Sir)
“Girl, come here, I need you.” I wipe my hands on the towel hanging from the over door and walk into the living room. Â Sir is on the couch, the light from the TV flickers over his face, making his eyes glitter. “Yeah?” Â My hands are still damp and I wipe them on my jeans. Â Sir isn’t looking at the TV. Â I follow his gaze with my eyes, but see only the empty corner and the piano. “I need you…” “Yes, Sir,” I say, feeling my brow tighten in confusion. Â I am afraid that I’m missing some important signal, that I’m failing to meet an expectation. Â But I don’t know…
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Family
Someone asked how I identify with the guys in my life… so… I don’t really know. But I guess I consider Sir and SB my family.  Sort of.  I still am not totally sure  but for now that seems like an okay definition.  We’re a coalition of some sort.  K and J are friends.  I was asked if they are like extended family and I suppose they could be.  I think I have them in the friend category, but definitely the most intimate friends I have, or any of us have, I think… They witness and participate in our lives in ways that nobody else does, which… definitely requires and…
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Broken Toys
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Q & A Punishment
What emotions do you feel during a punishment? Wow, this is already hard, and it’s just the first question. Â Emotions can be different in different situations and at different stages of the punishment, but almost always sadness, anxiety, sometimes fear or panic at a certain stage. Â After being punished, a little while after I often feel peaceful, relaxed, relieved. Does punishment work? For what? Â It kind of depends on the purpose one is assigning to a punishment. Â For me, the purpose of punishment is to help me let go of my own rumination on mistakes I’ve made, and it helps me to feel confident in my place in my relationship,…
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Broken Toys
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Moments with Sir – Punishment Paddling
The light glints off the black case of my phone. Â I wonder at the absurdity of the mundane things my mind fixates on in these moments… Â The light on the logo of my cell phone case… The small scrap of paper on the desk. Â The reflection, warped by the facets, in the empty water glass. I should be scared. Â I can feel something, deep in my belly, like a snowstorm cold and blowing, but it is as if I am watching it from indoors. Â Watching through thick windows and sturdy walls, hearing only the faintest murmur of its roar, feeling nothing of its cold. I hear Sir move behind me…
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Eyeroll
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Ease
Today is better. Â Sir stepped things up today and it helped. The dishes are done and put away. Â The laundry is done and put away. Â The kitchen is clean. Â The house is swept. Â The fridge has food in it for the week. Â I finished all of my school work that I needed done for tomorrow. Â I’m writing my blog post and it’s not even 8. I still don’t feel totally connected to my submission. Â And, even better, I think Sub Brother is struggling with his right now, too. Â He didn’t say it, but I heard him sigh when Sir told him to do something today, and… he NEVER does that!…
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Broken Toys
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Decisions
I haven’t been sleeping well. Â For a while. Â Probably why I got sick… and now… mania… It’s been coming on for a couple days now that I look back at it. Â And the drugs for the asthma… trigger me… and not sleeping… and beginning work… and so much… stimulation. Today I had to work on the computer and I forgot to wear my blue light lenses and I can’t type fast enough right now to keep up with myself, I keep messing up my typing and I type really fast anyway, I just… running a little faster than my fingers can move right now… I got my blue light glasses…
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Broken Toys