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Moments with Sir – Promise
Sir steers me into the kitchen as we are getting ready for bed.  My back is against the refrigerator door, and he stands close to me. He brings my hands up, palms together, between us, holding them between his own hands so he has to speak.  He looks at me for a long time then he says, “I need you to do something for me.” I can’t use my hands either, so I nod and murmur, “Yes, Sir.” “I’m going to ask two questions.  You will be honest.” “Yes, Sir.” “Promise me.” I swallow because I’m getting nervous, but I nod.  “I promise.” He looks down at our hands, then looks…
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Top Drop
So… for some of my readers this is going to be S/M 101, sorry… Â Most of the readers I know of aren’t super hardcore into the kink scene so I need to make sure I explain terms (if this bores you, of course, do move on…) So, when people “play” heavily, so… that could be physical or psychological/emotional heavy, or, often, both, there is a lot of chemical action in the body and the brain… there is adrenaline and endorphins and all kinds of crazy chemistry mixing up and once the scene is over, either shortly after or even starting a day or two after, the bottom (the one on…
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Froggy-ness
I sometimes worry about the amount of energy Sir has to spend on me. Â Last night I had a panic attack… at 10 at night, when we were all trying to sleep. It’s probably because my asthma was terrible all day and I was pumped full of steroids and I had a lot of work to do today and… perfect storm for not sleeping. But really… he took me from bed and took me downstairs and pulled the futon onto the floor and laid us both on it and then he just did deep pressure on my body for literally two hours until I could almost, mostly sleep… then woke…
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Ordinary Evening
So, two nights ago I wrote a technical manual about my relationship and the ways in which it is probably wildly different from the majority of people in relationships. Â And I’ll write more about those specific differences in more detail in future posts. Â But, tonight, I was thinking that despite the underlying framework of our relationship being so different, and the times when it manifests, we obviously look very different from vanilla relationships, it isn’t something that is just constantly manifesting. Â We are really, on a daily basis, probably not very obviously different from anyone else. So, to demonstrate, our evening tonight, which was quite an average weeknight for us.…
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Bumps in the Road
So… It was a pretty productive day. Â Everything I needed to get done got done, and I did a little resting and relaxing in between. Â But it wasn’t a super fast day… Â I just don’t spend whole days doing chores quickly. Â My brain doesn’t seem to be able to function that way, and usually I’m pretty good at celebrating days when I get a lot of things done (with a lot of breaks) because that didn’t used to happen. Â I used to get overwhelmed by one thing and have a meltdown and that was basically my day.
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Doubts (and Moments with Sir – Pockets)
Last night I said I would post my little moment with Sir. Today I actually was looking forward to it. I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner, got my tea, took my pills and came upstairs to write… And then I sat. I looked at Facebook. I looked at websites. I found a new header image for my blog. I… didn’t write. And when I thought about writing I felt so tired. And I finally realized I felt anxious. I’m so used to the feeling in my gut that sometimes it takes me a long time to realize its there… the tight, cold, clawing of anxiety. A very soft, insidious…
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Settling
Last night was, obviously, rough, but I talked to several good friends today and it felt so good to just… to reach out… and meet outstretched hands in return. Â It is still alien to me to share my feelings, to accept compassion, to… talk about… my real self. Â But it was positive and healing, and for those people and others who are probably wondering, I thought I would update today. Â Also, I’m trying to challenge myself to write every day. Â Writing a journal/blog post isn’t exactly my ideal of “writing every day” but I suppose when my baseline is “writing never” I will have to accept that any bar at…
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Perspectives
I had a rough day yesterday. I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body. Last night I was punished for those choices. This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished. Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship. And isn’t that just sad?
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So… That happened…
Yeah. So. Life was sucking. Then a rapist bigot became the next president. I’m sure there have been other rapist bigots in the white house… but none of them quite so openly unapologetic about it. So… whole new world!Â
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Midsummer Night’s Mania
It’s July, I made it past the solstice, which is good, the ramping up/more sunlight every day thing is murder for my brain. Â But summer is still hard. Â There isn’t enough structure, even when I and the people around me work to create structure, it’s summer. Â I NEED some unstructured time or I will burn out and not be able to teach in August. Â But I also… don’t function well with unstructured time. Â And even the kind of structure I can create when I’m not working, (making plans, meals out, museum/zoo trips, social gatherings, daily chores, etc.) isn’t as strong as having a work schedule. Â So… Â I struggle. I’ve been…
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