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Empty – SFD
“I tried to think about photography today, I looked for things on our walk.” Devin looks at me. Â “That’s good.” He drags out the second word, questioning, waiting for the rest. “I couldn’t. Â Nothing was… good.” He twists his mouth slightly in sympathy. Â And Sir, standing slightly behind me, brushes my hair back behind my ear.
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Mistakes – SFD #4
“What were you going to say?” His voice is gentle, one hip is cocked against the counter top, his arms are folded loosely over his chest, all outwardly relaxed, casual. She feels her breath catch in her chest and her eyes widen. “I’m sorry.” He tilts his head slightly. “Oh? Are you apologizing or was the end of that sentence really going to be ‘because I’m too…I’m sorry’?” She feels her skin wash with a flush of heat, followed by a chill. Her heart is thumping wildly, high in her chest. Her tongue flickers over her lips, and her eyes skitter over his chest, unable to find a safe place…
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Top Drop
So… for some of my readers this is going to be S/M 101, sorry… Â Most of the readers I know of aren’t super hardcore into the kink scene so I need to make sure I explain terms (if this bores you, of course, do move on…) So, when people “play” heavily, so… that could be physical or psychological/emotional heavy, or, often, both, there is a lot of chemical action in the body and the brain… there is adrenaline and endorphins and all kinds of crazy chemistry mixing up and once the scene is over, either shortly after or even starting a day or two after, the bottom (the one on…
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Ordinary Evening
So, two nights ago I wrote a technical manual about my relationship and the ways in which it is probably wildly different from the majority of people in relationships. Â And I’ll write more about those specific differences in more detail in future posts. Â But, tonight, I was thinking that despite the underlying framework of our relationship being so different, and the times when it manifests, we obviously look very different from vanilla relationships, it isn’t something that is just constantly manifesting. Â We are really, on a daily basis, probably not very obviously different from anyone else. So, to demonstrate, our evening tonight, which was quite an average weeknight for us.…
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This Thing We Do – Shadow 101
Someone asked recently for me to write more about how my particular relationship works. Â Then I was talking to my therapist today about my relationship, and I got into a conversation about the… plane of intensity that my relationship occupies in terms of some general categorizing of BDSM or D/s relationship types – granting that human experience is infinitely diverse and cannot, actually, in any way accurately be categorized. So… Â since it’s all relevant in my mind tonight, Â here’s a top of my head FYI. I tend to categorize in my own head a difference between BDSM and D/s – not everyone differentiates the same way I do, but I…
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Of Two Minds
I have to be quick tonight because I’m running late and only have fifteen minutes to write. I’m running late because a ridiculous number of incidents occured resulting in me not leaving work until 5 (I start at 7), coming home, eating dinner, then talking to my mom on the phone for an hour and a half… Which is fine… But it messed up my whole evening schedule. So, I asked Sir to exempt me from my writing tonight (he’s in lockdown over our routines lately after me freaking out so thoroughly – and it’s been helping… but still…) He contemplated it because… I have good reasons. I had a…
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Doubts (and Moments with Sir – Pockets)
Last night I said I would post my little moment with Sir. Today I actually was looking forward to it. I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner, got my tea, took my pills and came upstairs to write… And then I sat. I looked at Facebook. I looked at websites. I found a new header image for my blog. I… didn’t write. And when I thought about writing I felt so tired. And I finally realized I felt anxious. I’m so used to the feeling in my gut that sometimes it takes me a long time to realize its there… the tight, cold, clawing of anxiety. A very soft, insidious…
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Perspectives
I had a rough day yesterday. I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body. Last night I was punished for those choices. This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished. Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship. And isn’t that just sad?
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Moments with Sir – Ownership
This is something I wrote for the list I run… I don’t think I ever published it here. Â I think I intended to, but just never felt motivated enough to “clean it up” and make it more neat and tidy for this posting. Then I was talking with my friend S, and telling her about it and I realized I never had shared it here (and thus she hadn’t read it, obviously) and that… it actually illuminates a complicated to explain aspect of my relationship with Sir. Â I don’t know if this will uncomplicate it, but it will, hopefully, demonstrate it… Or not… Â Meh. Â I’m not going to bother cleaning…
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Yes, Sir
I just got back from my workout (walking for a mile). Sir went with me despite the fact that he already did his run earlier this morning. I have been working up to walking this far ever since the pneumonia and the asthma (which followed the pneumonia just to be sure I could NEVER breathe again…). It’s been discouraging and disheartening. I’ve had times when I wanted to give up and let myself become progressively more out of shape, become a 600 pound woman and exist only to eat. I’ve been embarrassed (walking 100 feet and panting out of breath) feeling that the rest of the world was looking at…