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Separation – Moments with Sir
Sir settles onto the couch beside me. He doesn’t look at me right away, but he puts his hand on my leg, a warm pressure. He doesn’t look at the TV, either. His mind seems focused on other things. I can’t name a specific reason I think this, but I am sure of it as he settles beside me, and lays his hand on my leg. The Walking Dead is on the TV. Screams, gunshots, and rasping groans fight to win my attention, but they were already weak contenders, and Sir’s presence easily overpowers them. I wait a breath, feeling my belly tighten. My doctor just talked to me yesterday…
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Memories
This month is the five year anniversary of T’s death. Â He attempted this week, five years ago. Â He died five years ago at the end of the month. Â Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been five years already. Â Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been only five years. I spent most of this weekend deeply depressed. I’ve been crying a lot. Sir has been crying.
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Bad News
I got some bad news yesterday. Â And some bad possibility that won’t be answered for a few more days. Â And… I just… I just can’t. I didn’t post last night. I should do a back post tonight to make up for it. But I can’t.
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Output
I’m having a less than easy night. Â It’s not terrible – certainly not by the bar set by multiple nights this summer – but not… great. I think it’s depression, or at least the leading edge of a depression front. Sir thinks that possibly my feeling is akin to burnout (and potentially that’s enough to tip my bipolar back towards depression) because I’ve been… outputting intensely for several days and likely not getting enough inputting.
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Bruised
I survived the night, as did our relationship. Â I probably should be old enough to know that it will, and not indulge myself in emotion and drama. Â But somehow, sometimes, things just… sometimes perspective fails and it’s just… universally terrible. I’m tired. Â Still. Â I feel beaten. Â Like I was in an emotional car wreck, and everything is bruised and sore inside of me. I had a good day with family. Â I came home and we had an okay evening…with my… with this family… Â My chosen family. Â I think we are all feeling bruised, though. Â All of us are kind of quiet and… introspective, I guess. Â It isn’t like we’re tiptoeing…
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Ignorance and Justification
Someone said something stupid on Facebook, today. I know… Earth shattering news, right? The thing is, it was someone I really thought was better than that. And she is… in some ways… and not… in this way. She chose to go into a topic that 1.) she really knew nothing about, 2.) she had a strong emotional response to, and between those two things, she did what… most everybody does about a topic they don’t know a lot about and have a strong emotional response to. She said ignorant things. Now her ignorance wasn’t just ignorant… it became judgmental. Again, because she had misconceptions. Again, because she had strong feelings. …
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Letting Go
Today was my first day of summer break. I worked on lesson plans. Â For next year. Â For six hours. I washed dishes and vacuumed. I read teaching books. Â For four hours. That’s my day. My entire day. Tonight depression got hold of me, and I think, maybe I was just running away from it coming all day because I knew that it would.
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Comfort Food
I’ve been having trouble with my stomach recently. Â Mostly it’s right after breakfast, I get pain in my stomach that gets pretty bad, but it usually goes away in 30 minutes to an hour. Â Then today it happened during lunch. Â I didn’t finish eating. Â Then it just got worse and worse and freaked out my students AND my co-worker who just texted to check on me and said I went completely pale and she thought I was going to pass out in front of the class. Â (I didn’t realize that part, I just thought I’d pass out from pain.) Sir was thinking it was a problem adjusting to the higher…
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Settling
Last night was, obviously, rough, but I talked to several good friends today and it felt so good to just… to reach out… and meet outstretched hands in return. Â It is still alien to me to share my feelings, to accept compassion, to… talk about… my real self. Â But it was positive and healing, and for those people and others who are probably wondering, I thought I would update today. Â Also, I’m trying to challenge myself to write every day. Â Writing a journal/blog post isn’t exactly my ideal of “writing every day” but I suppose when my baseline is “writing never” I will have to accept that any bar at…
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Perspectives
I had a rough day yesterday. I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body. Last night I was punished for those choices. This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished. Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship. And isn’t that just sad?